Friday, July 25, 2008

A Mound of Mommy Guilt

The past week, I’ve been bearing the burden of a heaping mound of mommy guilt. The terrible twos are definitely taking their toll on me, and I’ve started to wonder how my life would be different if I were a stay at home mom. Would potty training be progressing smoothly? Would we learn not to spank our baby dolls? Would we sing more songs, dance to more music, or paint more pictures together? I’ll never know.

I do know one thing – the source of this guilt. It stems from my daily daycare pickup routine. After knocking on the front door of Mrs. Rose Ann’s house on Monday, she opened it while holding Sophia in her arms. I reached out to hold my daughter, but Sophia turned away and clung to Mrs. Rose Ann’s shoulder. Her bottom lip puckered into a pout and she grumbled, “No Mommy”. My heart sank and I stood there in shock for a moment, blinking back tears. I tried to paste a smile on my face and fake a little laugh, but inside I ached. On Wednesday, I received the same reaction even though they had ‘practiced how to greet mommy’ when I arrived.

This week I started to pray about my daycare dilemma. When I am at a loss on how to deal with the circumstances of life, I turn them over to a higher power. I pray every day, usually at times when I am alone (like in my car or even at my desk at work). Each night, Sophia and I say our prayers together, although I have to be quick because she has little patience with sitting still with her hands clasped and her head bowed. The past few years, my passion for prayer has grown as I have learned to put my trust and faith in God. Since I was a child, I have believed in God but I grew up craving control over my life and felt that I could manage my own issues just fine. I did consult with him occasionally, but usually only on big matters. However, my relationship with God has deepened over the years, as he let me stumble into situations where I NEED to trust him. He let me get in over my head, unable to handle things on my own – so that I would learn how to give him my burdens to bear.

Last night, I felt like I received an answer to my prayer. I decided to get out of the house to work on the lessons for my creative writing class. Even after Sophia goes to bed, our house is just too loud and I have not been able to concentrate on my writing. It is also too darned HOT to sit outside on the patio, so I chose to drive 10 minutes away to the coffee shop at our church. They have free WiFi (cool) and inspirational music playing in the background (relaxing) and more comfortable chairs than Barnes and Noble (good for my blogger butt).

On the way to church, God decided to make wake me up to the world around me. I slipped in a CD and Treys voice vibrated throughout my car. A few years ago I helped him write a song based on the story of the prodigal son, returning home to the open arms of his father. Trey’s passions for music and his love for the Lord filled the air around me. I sank back in my seat and noticed the pale grey clouds framed by fluffy white against the soft blue sky. As I turned the corner by church, the sun began to sparkle through the grey clouds sending a slash of colors streaming across the sky. A rainbow. God was announcing his presence and acknowledging my need for him. He reminded me that he is in control and that he is guiding my path. Immediately my burden of guilt was lifted.

Amazing what you can find when you go to church!

Seriously, I know that this guilt will find its way back to me again one day. It searches for the cracks in my soul and seeps in, but I can always give it back to God. I find comfort knowing that he is always there.

I pray that Sophia will be happy to see me today!

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